The Art of Being in the Moment and Letting Go of “Should”
The Art of Being in the Moment and Letting Go of “Should”
I realized one day that I was wasting precious time agonizing over something I felt I ‘should’ do but wasn’t for reasons that made perfect logical sense. Yet, there I was, not living in the moment and not appreciating the NOW. I was caught up in an unproductive cycle and wasn’t letting go of should. Why couldn’t I just be happy with my decision and move on?
I’m not alone in this struggle.
Being Present
We tend to drag the past along with us and worry about a future that hasn’t come yet. We are rarely ever present. We put stipulations of behavior on ourselves or react to expectations from society. This constantly drags us away from being in the moment. How many times have we felt that we ‘should’ do something and beat ourselves up because we don’t (or didn’t)?
Unsplash / Pixabay
The internal battle constantly rages between doing what we need to do and doing what we feel like we should do.
For example, it can be an emotional struggle for working moms to be breadwinners for the family. It can be mentally challenging for women to allow dads to take more of the responsibility for child-rearing. We are chained by guilt and feelings of ‘should’.
“I should have been there for their soccer practice”. Or: “I should get home earlier more often to read a good night story.”
The facts are that one parent typically takes on more accountability for family than the other. There is rarely ever a completely even balance. However, working moms are constantly being bombarded by maternal instincts and society’s historical expectations of motherhood.
Our Inner Critic
Even in moments when we can enjoy being present we rarely ever are. Our inner critic yammers away about all the times we WEREN’T there or DIDN’T do something. Why can’t we just let go and relax into the decisions we make in order to lead our life the best way we know how? Our lives are increasingly busy and complex with unique types of expectations set by the ever-pervasive social media.
Thanks to modern technology and social media we are catapulted into a new realm of instant information and oversharing. We have increasing number of demands on our shrinking time. Whether we realize it or not we see what others are doing and compare our lives to theirs.
“Oh, they are getting together after work and I should be there, but I have a professional dinner engagement!” … Enter feelings of being left out and guilt.
“Sarah was able to take so many pictures of little Tommy’s baseball practice, I should have been there.” … Enter feelings of guilt and underperformance.
Agonizing Over Decisions
Too often the word ‘should’ will raise its ugly head and team up with our inner critic when we try to make decisions. We do the best we can with the information we have to make a good decision at that moment. Problem is, if that decision must deviate from our own expectations (or societies) of behavior – the internal conflict can be agonizing.
We worry too much about what other people think. We are social creatures that need to BELONG and to be ACCEPTED. We must get along in order to work together in communities and build successful societies. This is a perfectly natural response. But we allow the word ‘should’ to chain us down and make us feel terrible.
If we make a wrong decision we think: “I shouldn’t have done that – I could have avoided it if I’d only known!”
Thing is: we didn’t know and we did the best we could.
Expectations
As a professional development coach: I hear the word ‘should’ pop up in conversations over and over. It can be over expectations of salaries, career advancement or the expectations of corporate culture. It’s can be challenging to try and navigate the career development path alone. Society has put many expectations of behavior on the working professional. We may not be able to see our best next steps with a clear perspective because our lenses are so clouded with conflicting priorities.
“I’ve been at this job for only 2 years, I should tough it out so I won’t look like a job-hopper.”
“I don’t really want to be manager, but at my age, shouldn’t I be thinking about advancement?”
“I’m happy where I am but my friends tell me I should be making more money.”
We set expectations on ourselves and these are compounded by expectations of the ‘norm’ by society. It’s amazing that we don’t just spin in circles without being able to do anything at all!
How to Let Go of “Should”
Allowing expectations to rule our lives is not mentally or emotionally healthy. Whether those are overly perfectionist
expectations we’ve put on ourselves or unnecessary expectations of society. While we don’t wish to be socially unacceptable, neither do we need to conform like a robot. How can we find a balance between what we need to do and what is expected?
Ask yourself these key questions:
-
Are we performing to someone else’s expectations or our own?
-
Are those expectations feasible, realistic, fit our personality, our goals or our core values?
-
Are these expectations genuinely relevant to me and where I am in life?
-
Are those expectations we have set on ourselves reasonable or even logical?
-
Are we being overly sensitive to others expectations?
-
Are we even focusing in the right areas to move us closer to our goals?
At no time must anyone feel chained to the word ‘should’. Either you do or you don’t make a decision based on the information you have. After that – let it go. We make choices, we choose paths and we move on. Dragging the past around and worrying about the future only ensures that you will NEVER enjoy the moment. The most important part of making decisions in life is LEARNING from them.
There is an art of being in the moment and letting go of should. It is important for our legacy to be present in the NOW. After all, what is going on right now is the most real thing we have.
